Submission 5

For most of my adult life, I've had an inner dialogue - "I hate myself. I hate my life." Just felt like I could never "get it right." And that came with a ton of shame and being deeply exhausted by the effort on what felt like an unsolvable problem. How much longer am I going to be able to labor and fight to get myself together? I cycled through suicide ideation for a long time - so painful and lonely. My kids’ struggles pushed me to get myself tested for neurodivergence. Turns out I'm on the spectrum. Of course, I couldn't get it right - the world isn't made for a brain like mine, so I'm never quite aligned to the systems and standards I live in. Understanding myself better, learning to care for my brain and body and choosing a lifestyle that is more aligned with needs and desires (vs. trying to live "normally") have all been instrumental in quieting that dialogue. It's all helped me see my worth, too. Now, I respond to it with, "no, I love myself and I love my life." The neural network has to be repaved with healthy language...and I can only believe the new story when I'm taking good care of myself. I wanted to share my story because there are others who might benefit from seeing if they are neurodivergent, on the spectrum, etc. It might help ease the self-flagellation and shame, like it did for me. I still have struggles and ups and downs, but I don't think death is an option any more. And I don't want it to be. I want to thrive and live a full life.

-Anonymous